Belinda Moore

Here’s a version of an article I wrote in 2005 for Education Choices magazine.

Nationally, the number of babies born to women aged to 24 years continues to decline1. Despite the recent media coverage of ‘irresponsible’ spending of the baby bonus money by teen parents, the reality is that there are no constraints on how the money is spent, and it is just public perception, not reality, that all teenage parents are irresponsible with money. This sensationalism is merely a result of changing trends and media bias toward a minority group2. Only 16 per 1000 babies are born to teenage women - that is about 11000 babies per year in Australia, a figure which is still decreasing annually - these young parents are certainly a minority1. And don’t they know it.

Adult homeschool graduate Meridith explains, “After we married and I didn’t realise that people would be so outright rude to me once I was pregnant. A large part of the trauma I experienced while pregnant was the lack of support from those around us. We were asked if it was an accident, if we’d planned to have children - then told how stupid it was.” Melissa had the opposite reaction, “Both sets of parents were expecting it really - we were married and had made it clear we weren’t going to avoid conception. I think my mum got a bit of grief from her relatives - along the lines of ‘oh, she was so bright, what a waste’ - but they never said it to me. I was nineteen.”

Brooke’s mother was not so understanding. “When I fell pregnant with Will I was nineteen, I had my own house and Andrew and I had been living together for 2.5 years. My mum was devastated, and made it very clear she wanted me to abort… She had never wanted me to have kids at all, as she thinks having kids is a waste of a woman’s talent. My parents wanted me to get a uni education, to work in some ridiculously high paid job and basically live the yuppie life. Having kids didn’t seem to fit into their plan for me. We don’t drink, we don’t party, we have no interest in drugs (unlike other siblings) and yet we are the shameful ones ‘cos I was pregnant at 19 and married at 22.” Carlia agrees, “I became pregnant at 21, after becoming engaged. Ross and I had bought a house and were secure financially. My mum was still upset and her first reaction was ‘What about your career?’”

While Natalie’s parents were supportive when she fell pregnant while she and her partner were still at uni, “My Nana has always made the point that Jarrah was an accident, which really hurts me, because I don’t see the creation of life as just an accident. And I think my older sister believes I have wasted my youth, although she would never say this. She has never made me feel proud of my great achievement as a mother, my two younger sisters look up to me with pride though.”

This shame and lack of celebration is something many young parents complain about. “Both my husband and I were seventeen when I fell pregnant with our eldest son. My mother wanted me to abort. I remember feeling like I had to hide my pregnancy, like I should have been ashamed,” said Linda. Homeschooling mother of teens, Grace, commented on this attitude, “People need to think about what they’re saying when they say that girls shouldn’t have their babies when they are young. It’s not a waste of life!”

Many young mothers recall negative treatment they received from medical staff during their pregnancies, births and post-natally. They describe being bullied and ridiculed or generally receiving lesser service than mothers in their 30s and 40s. Jaslyn said that compared to when she was having babies in her 30s, “I had numerous problems throughout my first pregnancy. I was treated like a silly schoolgirl by my doctor and because I was so young and naïve I just took it.” My experiences with health professionals were similar. I recall going to a mothers group and meeting other women who had seen the same obstetrician during their pregnancies as I had. They described him as gentle and understanding. With me he had been bossy, sarcastic and pushy. I was nineteen and unmarried and found that my choice of private health care and ability to pay for it didn’t count for much with the specialist or at the hospital. I feel that my experiences were so different to older, married women I knew because of my age and marital status. Meridith agrees, “The midwives clinic for the most part was awful. Then I had an unnecessary caesarean section with some really horrible staff treatment. It did feel largely linked to my age that I was bullied into things.”

With the median age of all mothers who gave birth in Australia last year being 30.7 years1, parents in their teens and 20s really are the minority in our society. This differs greatly from many years ago when it was most common to be married young and start a family soon after. Today, Australian women are having less than 1.8 babies each, in comparison to their mothers and grandmothers’ who had, families twice that size1. Members of any minority group are usually treated differentially by the society in which they live, and young parents may suffer direct discrimination, or just feel that they are excluded from social structures.

One young mum said it was difficult to access health and children’s services because programs tended to be geared towards older parents. “I think there should be a youth-friendly health clinic…because the current services are intimidating,” she said.3

As children grow and mothers meet at playgroups and homeschooling groups, age difference again becomes obvious. Kelly says, “Most of the mothers are close to 40 and here I am at almost 23. I feel looked down upon a lot.” Like Kelly, I received well-meaning basic parenting advice from the older mothers at playgroup. It didn’t matter to them that I already had three healthy, bright preschoolers, I was only 25. Juliaclare received similar treatment too, “I found it extremely difficult at playgroup and was given comments like ‘what would you know?’ when discussing toilet training – even though I’d been through it with two children already.” Mel and Matt encountered the same. “Everyone offers advice on parenting issues, including random people at the supermarket, child health nurses, doctors, family and friends. People are surprised when we actually have views on issues, and stick with them – even during those more difficult times.”

Support amongst parents is often found lacking for the youngest ones in the group. “I don’t talk about what I’m going through very often as people are very quick to pin it on my age,” explains Meridith, “they say my troubles are because I got married so early or had a baby so soon. I’m sure I’ve become more introverted and self-reliant since becoming pregnant as there hasn’t been much other option.” Marie complained that she was “humiliated numerous times by older and ‘wiser’ mothers who would reminisce about their days of youth and say that I was ‘just a baby’ then.” Other parents agree that others’ expectations of them to fail and being judged meant that they have had to try very hard to succeed. They take special care with how they dress to go out, for example, in order to be taken seriously. I recall feeling that I couldn’t take the children into the supermarket in our small country town unless they were very well groomed in case others judged us harshly. For my children’s sake I tried hard to ensure society looked upon our family favourably. Now that I am in my 30s I feel less concerned about the impression we give others, mostly because less people look and comment compared to ten years ago. They do count the heads of our large brood, though, with wide-eyed astonishment!

Almost all mothers under 30 interviewed for this article estimated that they were the youngest in their children’s homeschooling group. A father described camps as being great social events for the children, but left him feeling that his family was different to those with 40-something parents. Most fathers there were at another stage in their careers, with less pressing financial commitments, and they had quite different interests. Melissa said, “I do sometimes wonder if I’m taken seriously at times. I feel a little lonely when I’m in these groups. Plus, I’m the only single mum.”

Single parenthood is another hurdle in itself. In her mothers group Bek was not only the youngest there, but as she explains “While it’s all a non-issue for me, I mostly felt the stigma associated with the fact that I was a single parent.” Rosie has one homeschooled teenage son and says, “Being single and young has certainly affected the perceptions of others toward my parenting, my son and myself over the years - but as far as actually affecting how I go about things - I don’t think my age has played much of a role.” On a personal achievement level, though, Rosie notes the difference between herself and her age-peers. “Due to our homeschooling and other factors I did not finish my degree until last year (in my mid-30s) so my own life has been different in terms of progression than my friends, most of whom followed the more typical path through life.”

Choosing to homeschool as a young parent means that we are often questioned more closely, especially by our own extended families. “My parents asked us heaps of questions about it all to make sure we are making the right decision,” said Mary, who has decided to homeschool her young boys. “I know that my older brothers haven’t been questioned about the schools they chose for their children.” I recall being questioned in the early years too. Some expected that I’d want to go back to study or work, and my choice of pursuing motherhood as a career didn’t seem quite enough. My friend, ten years older, never heard objections to her choice to be a full-time mother.

About a quarter of Australian women are not having any children and 18 per cent are having only one. Some of the reasons women are delaying motherhood include their increased participation in tertiary study and the workforce, later marriage, more effective contraceptive choices and increased concern over financial security4. The Treasurer wants to increase the birth rate and statistics support the fact that younger parents have larger families. Daniel Donahoo, writer, researcher and young parent, suggests, “he’d better get strategic about us having children earlier, rather than trotting out the annual, uninspiring ‘have one for your country’ mantra.”5 Daniel organised forums in NSW during 2006 to “hear young NSW parents’ experiences of the service support system and document their issues and ideas to help service providers better meet the needs of young parents.” He met with many young parents in three locations across NSW. He found that “they are as diverse and capable as any other group of parents. Across Australia, many young people who chose to have children earlier than average are studying or working or staying home to raise their kids.” The stereotypical, negative images in our society are not supported by solid research.

Young homeschooling parents often struggle more than those of average age and older - they are usually less financially secure. Managing a large mortgage on one income is a common complaint; accessing rental accommodation is also a problem. Education and employment hurdles affect many, and “when you are also facing all of these other obstacles, homeschooling, could seem like an insurmountable mountain!” says Eleanor, who had her five children before she was 27. Mel agrees, “We chose to live off my husband’s wage only and in the early years we really struggled to keep our heads above water. I received comments about my lack of contribution to the family, but realistically my husband and I did all that we could to make sure we ate well, had clothes to wear and so on. I learned to cook from scratch, to keep to a budget, to prioritise bills and to have inexpensive fun.”

Overall, the other young parents I spoke to were positive about having their children earlier than most others. Dads cited their abundance of energy made them stand out from other fathers. Being willing and able to kick a ball and run with the kids was worth the huge responsibility of having their families at a young age. They notice that most older fathers are not so playful. Those who had their first children at a young age and had larger families spanning 20 years confirmed that even though they love their babies, “it can be tiring when you hit forty and still chase toddlers around.” Mothers of larger broods described their pregnancies in their youth as much easier, and broken sleep was not so difficult then as it is at forty.

We’re not lamenting our lost youth. Juliaclare sums it up, “Both my pregnancies were planned; that upset and concerned people. They’d say, “get a life, have adventures” - well I did, I had two beautiful girls!” And is there anything we could be more proud of than our children?

1. 3301.0 - Births, Australia, 2005 http://www.abs.gov.au/
2. The Age - Teen Mums Will Have to See Social Worker
2. http://www.abc.net.au/
3. http://www.bordermail.com.au/
4. Older Mothers - Who are they and Why do they Wait?
5. Daniel Donahoo

What Young Parents Said:

Rebecca
Jamie and I both wanted to have our children young - so we could enjoy them and have time when they were grown that we weren’t too old ourselves. We also didn’t want them too far apart. Jamie’s thoughts have come from his upbringing - his mum was in her mid-40s when she had him and there are huge gaps between the siblings. My Dad is 12 years older than my Mum is, and I noticed differences due to their ages.

Financially I think it is harder being a younger mum because you need everything now not later when the kids are grown. Though you are also less likely to be too set in your ways too. I stay at home rather than work because we didn’t want someone else raising our children and decided we would work things so we would manage. Jamie wanted to stay home with the kids – he still does! He is such a wonderful father – loves kids and kids are drawn to him. At BBQ’s Jamie is usually playing ball with kids, not standing around the BBQ.

Sophie
I was 23 when we got pregnant, it wasn’t planned, we weren’t married (but we still aren’t). We were living in a tent until we could find a place to live as we had just moved to a new city, and until we could find permanent work we were apple picking. Despite this, we were very happy, and when I told my parents they were over the moon, they were happy and very supportive. Al’s parents never said anything negative to our face but we got the vibe that they disapproved, they are very conservative. I think they thought we would break up and were worried about Al’s rights. They mentioned marriage a couple of times but soon realised it wasn’t a priority for us. We’ve now been together for 12 years and have three children aged 10, 7 and 3. I’m studying for my second degree while Al runs his own business.As a younger mum I did feel like I had to prove something to people. Not just relatives and older parents, but also many of my friends who were off leading exciting lives overseas. But now some of those same friends are just starting their families now, while we have been doing it for ten years. I have no regrets about starting young – life gets better all the time.

Laura
We fell pregnant when we were 23. We were pretty feral, travelling around Australia in our van and picking fruit for money. My mama was supportive and eager to get me back to our home state so she could help out. Privately though (she has since told me) she was devastated, she worried about my partner’s character and potential to support a family. Fast-forward five years, she thinks my husband is fabulous: a shirt-and-tie-wearing manager, loving partner and involved Dad!

Meg
I was 26 when I told my family I was pregnant with Isabella - so not that young at all. My Mum said “How far along are you? Is it too late to get rid of it?” (I was 6 months pregnant and in a stable relationship at the time, Isabella was planned). When I explained this to her she said “I had such high hopes for you, now you’ll never amount to anything”. My Dad said, “Oh shit. Oh well, I suppose that’s that then”.

My Grandmother was thrilled - she rang all of her friends and was so excited about it. She had every confidence in me, and was intrigued to hear about my homebirth plans. Yay Grandma!

I did continue to work part-time looking after elderly and disabled in their homes, and some cleaning work - took Isabella with me in the soft front-pack my friend had made for me. I also continued to study full-time and finish my degree - again, took Isabella with me in the trusty front-pack, breastfeeding her through lectures. A couple of my lecturers who were mothers and grandmothers themselves formed a close bond with my bub and would walk around holding and jigging Isabella as they lectured so that I was able to concentrate better and write notes! They were all happy for me to come and go and wander around the room as I needed. As Isabella got older they were happy for her to play - fortunately she seemed to really enjoy being there as well. I always said that I would just take one day at a time and see how it all worked. In some ways I think my parents negative comments re my life being over etc made me even more determined to ‘prove’ myself - and I definitely burned myself out being ’superwoman’. Still, they believe in me now.

Blue
I was partly homeschooled and so was my husband. We are currently homeschooling our children aged 7, 5 and 2. I was first pregnant at 18 (planned), after 4 months marriage. My parents were great but my in-laws called us “naive”. With my second pregnancy, which was again planned, both sets of parents were great. At 23 I was pregnant again, but didn’t plan that one. My in-laws were happy and very excited, my mother never congratulated me and we got a few mentions about the snip - not nice. I’m not sure why their opinions changed over time.

Liz
My first negative experiences regarding being a young parent came when we announced we were pregnant. Mark and I were both 21 and just coming up to our first wedding anniversary, the pregnancy was a surprise. We were nervously excited and began telling close family. The reactions we encountered helped shape my experience of the pregnancy. Reactions ranged from the “we’d guessed already” to “I’m disappointed for you” and “Was it on purpose?” No one responded with the squeals of happiness we expected. While it is not the sole issue, it was the beginning of my slip into AND (Ante Natal Depression, otherwise known as pre-natal depression).

I know my experience with Zoe was definitely biased by the fact I was a younger mum. A lot of the professionals (my GP, my obstetrician) were male and definitely old enough to be my father - and the way they treated me was in a “I’m the boss” manner – and being a first-time mum, I just obeyed. I only had an obstetrician because my GP gave me a referral - at that point I thought you had to have an obstetrician.

I get a lot of pressure, in different ways, about returning to work. I studied for three years to be an early childhood teacher and only worked in the field full time for eighteen months before going on maternity leave. While I’ve done some part time and casual work also, it doesn’t come close to the time I spent at Uni. Everyone seems to assume that I will be going back to work some time soon, and assume I am naive when I tell them that two young children is work enough for me - plus at this age they need the attention that a stay-at-home parent can provide them.

Now that we have two children, people do tend to take us more seriously. The midwives at the public hospital where I had Reuben generally trusted me, and honoured my birth plan. I did encounter one midwife on a check-up visit who took it as her responsibility to try to scare me into a medical procedure during labour I believed was unnecessary. The attitude I sensed was that I mustn’t know what I am talking about because I was a silly little girl.

My circles of friends have changed an awful lot now. I am generally the “baby” of the group - usually ten years below the average age. The lady I got along best with from the mother’s group the health clinic organised was 40 - we worked out she’d just started her first job when I was born. I have only a few friends my age who have children - and they are friendships that have developed since I had Zoe. None of my long-term friends have kids yet and only one of Mark’s group of friends from school has just had his first ten days ago. It makes it hard sometimes for get-togethers but people are generally understanding. For me it is difficult as a woman who is relationship-centred to have the old friendships flounder somewhat, for lack of common ground, and most other relationships still in the early stages. Perhaps that may have been different if my friendships had twenty years history instead of ten, before having children, as is the norm?